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toomuchplor: (irodney lying)
[livejournal.com profile] linabean once mentioned her conviction that Ronon really deserves his own cooking show, which immediately struck me as a Great Universal Immutable Truth.

This, of course, led to me speculating with [livejournal.com profile] sparktastic that few things in life could be as great as attending a dinner party thrown by Ronon:

[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: Actually, just Ronon throwing a dinner party.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: Is the best image ever.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: I can totally see him getting this worrying obsession with Martha Stewart.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: But his hands are SO BIG
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor : all the crafts come out all mangled.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And everyone is too scared to comment
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And every time he leaves the room they all lean across the dining table and whisper, "Is *your* napkin ring leaking glue all over?"
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: "No, but I think mine has a piece of deer carcass in it!"
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: "That's nothing! My wine charm is ALIVE."

[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: ahahahahaha
[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: you have to stoppppppp

[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And Ronon bustles back in with a chafing dish, wearing these big oven mitts, saying, "Okay, who wants some cherries jubilee?" and busts out a flamethrower and sets his pinecone-and-antlers centerpiece on fire.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: hahahahahahahahahaha

[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: DUDE
[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: *dies*


[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And then he's all, "Oh no. It was so perfect up until now."
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: "Martha would be so disappointed."
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And John would heave this long-suffering sigh.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And get up from the table
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And step into the kitchen
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And everyone's all, "Where's he going?'
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor : And in five minutes he emerges carrying a frosted four-layer cake complete with real orchids and piped filigree
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And slams it down on the charred table.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And they stare.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And he says, "What? So I like to bake sometimes."

[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: ahahahahahah

[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And Rodney goes all glowy and sex-crazed and hauls John back into the kitchen to ravish him with the icing bowl and cake beaters.
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: Everyone else talks loudly and eats cake and pretends not to hear the ecstatic cries of "YOU ARE THE PERFECT MAN!"
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: "IF ONLY YOU HAD AN ASS."
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: Followed by, "Hey! I have an ass!"

[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: hahahahahahahah

[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: Followed by, "Right, so why does it feel like I've got two mandarin oranges in my hands instead of, oh, I don't know, AN ASS?"
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: And John comes back into the dining room all smeared with icing and looking grumpy
[livejournal.com profile] toomuchplor: haha

[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: dude
[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: I have no idea what you've been smoking
[livejournal.com profile] sparktastic: but I want some

Of course, another Great Universal Immutable Truth, in my mind, is that Rodney has a sex advice column that he writes under a pseudonym on the unofficial Atlantis weekly newsletter. Because who wouldn't want sex advice from Rodney McKay? I mean, REALLY.

In fact, it would be great if people commented with the sort of sex advice requests the lonely and strange citizens of Atlantis would bring forward. Because then I could write Rodney's answers and it could be Way Too Much Fun. *bg*

Comments

[identity profile] elzybub.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
I smell a fic that needs to be written =D.
[identity profile] margueritem.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 09:44 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

My lover wants me to dress up as a Wraith and tie him up. I'm afraid he doesn't find me attractive as I am. Should I do as he says?

Help me, please!
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:05 am (UTC)
Dear Insecure One,

Face it: your lover *doesn't* find you attractive as you are. In fact, considering that your lover actually wants you to dress up as a hideous life-sucking leather-loving Marilyn Manson-esque alien bug-creature -- considering that your lover would actually view this as an *improvement* on your appearance -- I'm going to go ahead and venture a guess that you're just plain ugly.

So what should you do? Well, since you seem to be getting laid (against all statistical odds), you should do whatever the fuck you can to make sure that you continue to get laid: dress up like a Wraith, dress up like a vat of gelatin, dress up like Dr. Weir and spank him with a spatula. Chances are that your lover is eventually going to realize that you can't make a silk purse out of a butt-ugly person and you will be dumped. I advise trying to get as many assisted orgasms as possible in the short time remaining.
[identity profile] catmoran.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
I'd love it if approximately every second letter was from someone asking for advise on how to get the attention of / please / proposition the grouchy but strangely hot head of science.

My writing skills suck, but surely someone can write them? *bats eyes*
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:07 am (UTC)
Hahaha... or letters moaning about an oblivious military commander. And Rodney would have to maintain his secret identity and answer honestly even though the very thought of sharing John makes him want to KILL KILL KILL.
[identity profile] calligrafiti.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 10:39 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love.

Is there some secret Czech maiting ritual that just hasn't made it to the literature? I've been flirting, leaning over his shoulder as he fixes my laptop, and totally working the red shirts, all for nothing. What does a woman have to do to get a little Bohemian Rhapsody?
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:10 am (UTC)
Dear Queen Lover,

In my unfortunately extensive experience of Czech mating rituals, I have found that there is one siren song that never fails to set fluffy Czech hair aflutter: it's called grain alcohol. Look into it.
[identity profile] emrinalexander.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 11:06 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

I just found out my boyfriend is keeping statistical charts on our sex life! I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified because there are power point charts.

Is this normal?
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:11 am (UTC)
Dear Statistically Challenged Moron,

Yes, it's perfectly normal.

p.s. they weren't in PowerPoint, they were in Excel. Jesus.
[identity profile] emrinalexander.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:26 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Anal Retentive Obsessive Compulsive Love:

Bite me.

Also, keep this up and there won't be anything to enter in Excel.

(Anonymous) wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 11:20 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

Aliens made us do it, and now he won't even look me in the eye. How do I make him understand that even with the sex pollen, it was really special? And how do I convince him that alien mating rituals can be the basis for a meaningful relationship?
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:14 am (UTC)
Dear Poor Deluded Fuck,

How can alien mating rituals be the basis for *anything*, let alone a purely fictional and laughably improbable concept such as 'a meaningful relationship'?

Sex pollen is a gift of the gods; never sully its pure intentions by trying to factor in this kind of ridiculous sentimentality.
[identity profile] allyndra.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2007 11:24 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

I think I found an Ancient sex toy in the lab, and I'm not sure what I should do about it. I mean, would it really hurt anything if I conducted some private research in my quarters? I swear I would take accurate notes.
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:15 am (UTC)
Dear Idiot,

You will do no such thing. You will bring said sex toy to the proper authority (for example, the chief scientist) and you will NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHERE IT WENT OR WHY HE'S IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD THE NEXT DAY.
[identity profile] margueritem.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 12:04 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

On our last mission, Aliens made us do it, and now my boyfriend's mad at me. I tried to explain it wasn't my fault (Aliens made us do it!), but he won't talk to me anymore. What should I do?
[identity profile] margueritem.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 12:04 am (UTC)
P.S. It's not infidelity if aliens made us do it, right?
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:19 am (UTC)
Dear Slutty Slutty Kirk,

I suggest you tie your boyfriend to the bed, gag him with a sex-pollen-impregnated piece of cloth, and violate him with Ancient sex toys until he realizes that your experience with Aliens-Made-Us-Do-It-Sex (AMUDIS) has only served to enrich your repertoire of lewd acts.

p.s. Yes, it was totally cheating. The trick is to stupefy your boyfriend with orgasms until he forgets what you did.
ext_1550: (Default)
[identity profile] nudaydreamer.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 12:39 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

I hear there are planets where aliens make you have sex with your teammates. How can I get on the list for one of those missions?


(also, collegesexcolumnist!Rodney: Not Exactly Rocket Science (http://apple-pi.livejournal.com/190633.html))
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:20 am (UTC)
Dear Kavanagh,

No. Just...no.
[identity profile] teenygozer.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:15 am (UTC)
*sigh*

I had this cracktastic idea that John rents a house on the beach in California during one of his enforced leaves and invites Ronan along because he's gonna teach him how to surf, and Ronan gets a passport indicating that he's from a Polynesian island, and he asks John if Polynesian islands are anywhere near Nigeria, and that is the first indication John gets that Ronan is crushing on Teal'c because Teal'c's passport indicates that he's from Nigeria and Ronan apparently wants to be from the same place Teal'c is from. Ronan is all sad that since that NID thing, poor Teal'c isn't allowed to get an apartment topside and is stuck under the damned mountain, and he whines to John about it, so John magnanimously invites Teal'c along on their little surfing vacation. Landry thinks this is a great idea because he thinks Teal'c is a good influence and will keep an eye on John & Ronan, whom he very wisely does not trust. So here's John with these two warrior-type aliens in California, and it turns out that coyotes have been coming down out of the hills and snatching the local little old ladies' Pekineses right off their ornate, bejeweled leashes and chowing down on them right in front of said little old ladies, so Teal'c and Ronan want to go out into the hills and take care of the problem. They keep asking John if coyotes are good eating and if you can tan their hide into a passable skin to be used for boots. Now, John thinks the best episode of COPS ever would be Teal'c and Ronan in the hills of California hunting coyotes with foot-long machetes, but he suspects General Landry might disagree, so he has his hands full trying to convince them that this is A Bad Idea, even if the little old ladies are crying all over the place and Teal'c and Ronan are staring at him in manly, yet passive-aggressive, disapproval.

But I have no [livejournal.com profile] sparktastic of my own to bounce this off of, so it won't get written. Probably.

To make this legal:

Dear Dr. Love:
I am a straight woman on Atlantis and for the life of me, I cannot seem to find a single straight guy in the whole damned place. Seriously, I'm thinking of using an Ancient Device to change myself into a man just to get a little action. Any suggestions on what the heck I can do?
Love,
Single Straight Chick with Blue Balls (metaphorically)
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:22 am (UTC)
Dear SSCBB(m),

If you check in the blue crate under Dr. Zelenka's workstation, you'll find a round brass wand thing. Get an ATA to activate it, go to sleep with it under your pillow, and when you wake up you'll find that your own personal instrumentation is more in line with male Atlantean tastes.

(But you didn't hear about it from me.)
[identity profile] teenygozer.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, Dr. Love! You've made me the happiest woman... er, man... er, what*ever* on Atlantis!
[identity profile] beadattitude.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:19 am (UTC)
Oh my. This neeeeeds to be written.
ext_18066: Default (Default)
[identity profile] apple-pi.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:31 am (UTC)
Hey, I wrote the sex advice columnist Rodney story, lol! With bonus advice column at the end. *g*
ext_18066: Default (Default)
[identity profile] apple-pi.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:32 am (UTC)
*reads comments*

Ahahaha but these questions are awesome!
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:00 am (UTC)
Yay, and I've been linked to it! It just shows how awesome this fandom is that I can have had this completely cracked-out idea and can discover that it's ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN. *hugs you*
[identity profile] raincitygirl.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:45 am (UTC)
Ooh! Link?
ext_18066: Default (Default)
[identity profile] apple-pi.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:33 pm (UTC)
I think there's a link up above? (Not Exactly Rockey Science.) :-)
[identity profile] toft-froggy.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC)
This made me laugh out loud and is awesome, but, dude, I want to read the fic where Rodney gives sex advice. BEST IDEA EVER.
ext_1033: Mad Elizabeth (Default)
[identity profile] wordwitch.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 02:36 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

How do I explain to my physician exactly how I managed to get lodged inside the #10 pipette?
[identity profile] toomuchplor.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:24 am (UTC)
Dear Sheppard,

I swore you to secrecy about that, you rat bastard.
[identity profile] emrinalexander.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:45 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

OK, so I didn't see it coming - ha! no pun intended - and it wasn't alien sex pollen this time. Basically, there was some glowy stuff going on with this semi-ascended chic my team and I ran into - ha! another unintended pun - anyway, met on this recent mission.

ANYWAY, technically it wasn't cheating because this guy on my team that I really like (the guy I mean) hasn't looked me in the eye since the whole incident on the planet where people look like pizzas and anyway we haven't even talked about dating or anything, but now that the glowy stuff happened, he won't even talk to me, and I think he may have turned the shower in my quarters against me.

How do I apologize/make things right/get him to freaking forget about the stupid glowy stuff so that at some point I can actually ask him out at which point he might actually have SOME BASIS for getting his knickers in a twist over the whole semi-ascended glowy chick thing? Also, I'd like to be able to get in the shower without fearing it is going to remove various body parts.

Signed,
Never Sees It Coming
[identity profile] margueritem.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 05:52 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

I've suddenly become a woman (Ancient Device #987435). What would be the best way to masturbate?

Signed,
Multiple Orgasms Here I Come!
[identity profile] spike21.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 06:02 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,
There's a certain rather talkative and distinguished Nobel-caliber astrophysicist I've seen hereabouts who I'd like to bend over a lab bench and introduce to my large silicon strap-on friend, "God" (as in "oh God... God,yes...oh my God this is the best sex I've ever had") but I don't know how receptive he'd be to the idea. Any insights on that, Dr. Mc--Love?

signed,
A. Fizzix Fan
[identity profile] margueritem.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 06:07 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

I have a date this Sunday. Well, I think it's a date. He invited me to go whale watching... Should I bring a pick-nick? What if it's not a date? Wouldn't it look weird then? How do I make sure it's a date? And if it is, should I put out on the first date? Just in case it goes horribly wrong and he never wants to see me again?
[identity profile] hyperfocused.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 07:38 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

Excited about ab unusual plant I discovered on planet F6E 2GB, I brought a specimen to our expedition leader, and second in command of the Atlantis military, for a private demonstration. The details are unimportant, except to say that it was swell, or rather it caused something delicate to swell, but in a way that no man's anatomy is meant to do. Combined with the terrible itching my fern inflicted, I'm afraid he will never want to touch me again.

Help!

Signed,

Forlorn.
(Anonymous) wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 01:01 pm (UTC)
Dear Doctor Love,

I read what you told Idiot about turning in ancient sex toys to the proper authorities, but I didn't realize I'd gotten mine mixed up with my normal vibrator until I'd found out it was too good to give up. Now I'm three weeks late and nauseous in the mornings. Can alien sex toys make you pregnant?
[identity profile] concorde.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love:
I have a tiny frame but am cursed with rather generous mammary glands. My people's clothing comes in only one small size, so during off-hours my bosom is frequently on display and one always seems ready to pop out. I also have to work around a lot of men. What I want to know is, with this problem, why am I still single?

Signed,

Terrifically Endowed Yet Lonely Always
[identity profile] iykwim.livejournal.com wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2007 04:23 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend is a night humper! Any ideas what causes this and how it can be helped? Could this also be the reason why his favourite movie is "While You Were Sleeping"?? At first I thought he had a thing for Sandra Bullock, now I'm thinking there might be more to it...
[identity profile] meret.livejournal.com wrote:
Oct. 1st, 2007 07:17 am (UTC)
Dr. Love

I haven't asked anyone out in over seven years because I was too busy traveling around. Now I'm interested in my boss. What should I do?

----------

Dear Dr. Love,

I'm in love with someone I work with. The problem is he's from another species. Any suggestions? (I think it's a he. There's no visible genitalia.)

[identity profile] cjandre.livejournal.com wrote:
Oct. 27th, 2007 02:33 pm (UTC)
Not My Fault I'm an Alien Sex Magnet
Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend is becoming obsessively jealous of the aliens that capture me. Apparently, he thinks I'm pursuing a better, sexier class of alien than he is getting. How can I let him know that it's not about who has me tied up during the day, it's about who I get to tie up at night?

Sincerely,

Not My Fault I'm an Alien Sex Magnet
ext_13205: (Default)
[identity profile] korilian.livejournal.com wrote:
Nov. 22nd, 2007 09:34 pm (UTC)
Dear Doctor Love,

Because of certain regs I have to be a little more discreet then most. So instead of begging some lube of doctor Keller, I traded for some on PX-938. We really got a lot of play out of it, but now my crap keeps coming out blue. And yesterday I found this weird scaly rash on my ass. I don't want to go to Keller. She'll hand me my balls on a platter!

Blue warrior
busaikko: Sheppard and Todd making eyes at each other (SGA John's wraith boyfriend)
[personal profile] busaikko wrote:
Nov. 22nd, 2007 09:54 pm (UTC)
Dear Dr Love:

I recently met my boyfriend's parallel-universe double, and now I can't get the idea of a threesome out of my head. Would this, technically, be cheating? Incest? Morally wrong? My boyfriend told me to 'go fuck myself', and for the record, I would be more than happy to do the nasty with my double.

Yours, Trouble Times Two
(Anonymous) wrote:
Nov. 23rd, 2007 03:40 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,
I have been sleeping with a gorgeous but undervalued guy pretty seriously for a couple months now, and the sex is phenomenal! I think it's more than just physical, and I want to make a commitment to him. One problem-I don't know his first name! I don't know how to find out without letting it slip that we've never exactly had a conversation. My continued happiness depends on you!
[identity profile] drakeofdross.livejournal.com wrote:
Nov. 23rd, 2007 03:53 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,

During my last off world mission, I was involved in a some kind of cultural celebration ceremony. Now, I know better than to get involved in something like that with a native woman so that I don't wind up accidentally married, but this time we were visiting an all male settlement, so I wasn't too worried at first. There was a lot of drinking involved, and I don't actually remember most of the night, but I woke up naked, with a lot of symbols painted on my skin, and with a strange soreness in my ass.

I did some research on the symbols when we got back to Atlantis and discovered that they were fertility prayers to make the wearer pregnant. Now, my question is two fold. First, how likely was it that these people just didn't realize I was male (I was completely naked in the morning and they had painted on my penis)? Second, do fertility prayers actually work on Earth-born human men?

Thank you,
Somewhat Concerned
ext_834: (Default)
[identity profile] krysalys.livejournal.com wrote:
Nov. 23rd, 2007 04:58 am (UTC)
Dear Dr. Love,
I have been dutifully documenting the various mating rituals of Pegasus natives, and have found it most interesting how said rituals have crossed over to the Earth-born 'Lanteans. If you check the server, I've loaded a file with all the photos and video I managed to collect.

Unfortunately, my research doesn't seem to be interesting to pretty much all of the expedition members; and yet people are pairing off (and in a number of cases, multiples) like sex-starved rabbits. I am left alone with an unwarranted reputation of being some sort of creepy porn-watcher. Any advice on how I can shake the negative image so I can show potential partner(s) the benefits of all the knowledge I've gained to their advantage?

Respectfully,
The Irony, It Slays Me

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