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amberlynne's comment but it grew out of control. On the topic of subverting fannish tropes (sort of) and John the non-Sudoku-Master:As I told
eleveninches once, what I really want to write is the one where John isn't just weirdly good at manipulating Ancient technology -- he's actually *trans-specied*. He's an Ancient trapped in a stupid human body! He's tragically genetically queered! He longs for gray jumpsuits and shifty scientific ethics and the chance to play The Sims with whole human civilizations!Or, hey! What about the one where John SUCKS at activating a particular Ancient artifact? Like, everyone with the ATA gene can do it except him! And it's an Ancient bean grinder or something so it doesn't *matter* but it's making him batshit insane that he CAN'T DO IT. And he carries it around in his pocket and ducks into supply closets and tries with all his ATA might to get it whirring and the device *ignores* him, the blatant hussy of an Ancient thing, and he's all wounded and bewildered and Rodney has to comfort him with sex. And more Ancient toys.
ETA: Or! OR!
The one where John TRAVELS BACK IN TIME to Ancient Atlantis and discovers so many interesting truths, like:
1) The entire expedition has been bunking up in the children's boarding school part of the city, which is why all their beds are 2 inches long.
2) John is actually not that Ancient and they all think he's kind of adorably dumb and ignorant and they treat him like a kid and muss his hair.
3) The puddle jumpers are actually not fighter shuttles. They are, in fact, Ancient yellow school buses. The cool fighter shuttles are over in the east wing where the expedition hasn't looked yet.
Other fun Ancient facts? Come on, it'd be AWESOME.
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Designed by chasethestars
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Comments
Once you point it out, it's so obvious. Well, maybe not school buses, but city buses aren't much better. They just aren't yellow.
Ahaha, I'm thinking that Elizabeth/Sam's office should have some awful usage in Ancient times. Like, it's the place where they did Ancient strip searches or maybe it was an Ancient gift shoppe or it was where the Ancients left their pet humans when they went into a restaurant (now the armory or the locker room or something) for Ancient dinner hour.
"You did whu-?! GODDAMIT! YOU CAN'T FIX ME! I WASN'T EVEN BROKEN!"
And John will go all blushy and outraged because he NEVER -- not IN PUBLIC -- he's not a dog licking himself for the love of -- and then he realizes that to Ancient sensibilities, maybe a human masturbating in the privac of his quarters is just as distasteful and semi-comic as a golden retriever humping a house guest's leg.
What with the glowy non-corporeal sex and all.
...the Ancient version of a rude hand gesture is probably flicking a lamp on and off a few times while wiggling your fingers suggestively.
The time-traveling AU I've never seen written (but want to) is the one where John, Elizabeth, and Zelenka all survive the crashed time ship in "Before I Sleep". I'm pretty sure the combo of John & Zelenka could come up with a better plan than locking Elizabeth in a closet for 10,000 years so that she can rotate the batteries a few times.
I have to rewatch that, because that could totally be the set-up for my humans-are-pets story here. Haha!
I'm actually writing a time-travel fic right now. Well, sort of now; I need the end of the season in order to finish it. Rodney and John accidentally go back and time and kill all the Wraith, and they're travelling back and forth in time to fix it.
I was thinking about the fanon version of John that communicates so amazingly with Atlantis during Quarantine because the ep pretty much Jossed that idea literally out the window. I mean, really, John should have been able to just stroke her walls a few times (dirty!) and everything would have been okay if he really was that in tune. Unless, of course, they'd been fighting and that's the real reason She shut herself down which is something a blatant hussy like her would so do.
The entire expedition has been bunking up in the children's boarding school part of the city, which is why all their beds are 2 inches long.
God, that would explain SO MUCH!!
4) They figure out that all their quarters are child-proofed so they can't get to the cool toys.
5) John isn't related to the Ancients-- he has the genetic signature of one of the ancient's pets, like a big goofy labrador retriever that had its genetic structure tampered with just enough so that it could operate ancient toys (the equivalent of being able to dispense its own food and operate the doggie door).
It's like when you get two gerbils and then find out much too late that they weren't brothers and they weren't 'wrestling' and now -- your little wire cage is crawling with vermin.
ZOMG I WANT THAT! (And also the one where he busts his brains over Sudoku.)
Also, while it's widely acknowledged that John is really socially impaired, the standard trope seems to be that it's because he's So Tortured By His Past / Harsh Military Brat Childhood / Sekrit Traumas. I want to read John Sheppard: Home-Schooled in B.F.Nowhere, Alaska, By Vegan Unitarians. Seriously, how much would it explain if John basically grew up alone in the woods with his folks until he was 18, watching Nickolodeon and MASH reruns and old movie musicals and desperately, desperately wishing that his parents would just let him be normal?
And that would be the title of the story! *nods*
John may have tested into Mensa, but he also can't spell for shit
Oh, I can see it now: fade in on Rodney's horrified transfixed expression, pull back to take in the fact that he's staring at his laptop screen, blinking disbelievingly at the following e-mail:
Hye Rodney, jsut tout id check what your doin 2nite mayve we shoudl watch the new bat-man flick]. -j
And, later:
"That's what I wrote! See, 'I should of done it.'"
"Should HAVE," Rodney articulated, eyes bugging.
"Yeah, should OF," John replied, blankly.
And, later still:
"How many 'g's in 'signifigant'?" asked John, pen in mouth. "I always forget that."
Rodney wept quietly.
he's got a good sense of direction and pathway memory ... but can't actually remember which way is right and which was is left?
Bwa! I have a sudden mental image of John pausing in his path offworld, trying to be all subtle as he looks down at his outstretched hands to see which one makes an L.
I want to read John Sheppard: Home-Schooled in B.F.Nowhere, Alaska, By Vegan Unitarians. Seriously, how much would it explain if John basically grew up alone in the woods with his folks until he was 18, watching Nickolodeon and MASH reruns and old movie musicals and desperately, desperately wishing that his parents would just let him be normal?<
OMG, yes. And he totally joined the Air Force, not out of some misguided rebellion (because, as his parents said, "Follow your passion, Skye!" -- and he totally changed his name as soon as he turned 18) but because the idea of that level of regulated normalcy just sounded so damned *appealing* to him.
OMG - YES!! And that's the real reason he wears a wrist band. It's his 'cheat sheet'.
(And will cheer on any fic-writing effort! With icons if need/want be.)
Rodney's piano teacher was letting him down EASY. Rodney had been playing and practicing dutifully for years and was still stuck in the backwaters of Book One of Leila Fletcher's piano course. If the woman had to hear him slam his way through 'In my little birch canoe' at one more recital, she was seriously going to lose her shit!
These are all brilliant.
What if Ronon ... well, gosh, it'd be nice if I could come up with something, but the writers have pretty much phoned in every part of his characterization that can't be summed up by "he runs fast, fights good, is tortured, and speaks in short sentences."
It's probably obvious that my favorite way to fuck with Ronon's characterization is to make him a secret genius who just happens to like kicking ass. But what I really want to read is the story where Ronon is a gigantic mama's boy kind of pansy, like Buster from Arrested Development. He didn't mean to join the Satedan Army, but he was tired of all his myriad older sisters calling him 'sweet' and making him hold their purses when they went shopping. Also, his mom sent the best boxes of cookies out of all the army moms and when other soldiers gazed longingly at pictures of wives and girlfriends, Ronon hauled out a photo of his mom and rubbed his big index finger over her face, sighing.
Since we've seen the Ancients and they're not of the midget persuassion I think this can be the only rational explanation. Either that or they have spines that can bend in on themselves - flexi-spine, for all your tiny bed needs!
I think the Ancients just sat around in their floating cities getting stoned a lot and the Wraith are just a horrible genetic experiment melding Bob Marley and Ann Coulter - an angry, angry person with the over riding urge to snack.
Ha! Or!
Or, there's this little button on the underside of the bed that you press when you're going to sleep and the entire bed unfolds out of its 'daytime sitting area' size into an enormous king-sized sex-'n'-sleep area. John's jaw would drop and the Ancients would be all, "surely your people are aware of the Sleep Expansion function of our beds?" and John would be all, "We like to cuddle, that's all."
The set designers were really going for the idea that all the characters had molded plastic bits, because there's no way any shenanigans were going on in beds that small. The first time someone rolled you'd be off the bed and bruised where things don't want bruising.
On a tangent, this only serves to reinforce my opinion that in Pegasus, people don't have sex in beds. That's where you *sleep*. Duh.
In fact, Ronon doesn't think you should even do it face to face. That's just unnecessarily personal. Who would want somebody watching you while you did *that*?
I really, really hope they gave the tables in the mess hall a good wipe down.
The Ancient whistled impatiently when John made as though to turn towards the mess hall. "This way, Ioannes!" she said, beckoning by tapping her thigh.
"I thought you said we were getting lunch!" said John, eyes wide.
The Ancient smiled indulgently and pulled at his wristband, hauling him in the opposite direction. "Yes, but you were going towards the Copulatorium, Ioannes darling."
"The.." John said, trailing off.
"The place of coitus," clarified the Ancient with an exceedingly patient expression. "Surely you noticed that the room is filled with nothing but Rutting Platforms? It is hardly a fit place for dining!"
"Rutting Platforms?" John repeated faintly. "We thought they were. Um. Tables."
"Why would you put your food so high off the ground?" chuckled the Ancient. "It doesn't need to be at waist height for eating. Unless," and she suddenly looked a bit green, "unless your people are performing coitus with your meals?"
"God no!" John blurted, shocked.
"Oh, well then," said the Ancient, smiling again, "let's go and eat."
And she led him into what the Atlantis expedition had always used as a public showering room.
Unless," and she suddenly looked a bit green, "unless your people are performing coitus with your meals?"
"No, that's just the Welsh."
And if I'm booed of the stage for that, I think that's only fitting.
You...you story-tease! This would be like Christmas for me, this story.