My dog has some kind of neurotic stomach flu. He's been up gagging and heaving and snorting and pacing insanely ALL NIGHT. WITHOUT THROWING UP. We have tried outside, we have tried his crate, we have tried sympathy, we have tried ignoring him, we have tried shouting at him, we have tried bland foods, we have tried dog-sized doses of pepto bismol, and NOTHING IS WORKING.

*gnashes teeth*

I just want to sleep for more than 45 minutes without being woken by the sound of puppy heaving! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK. I'm certain there's nothing seriously wrong with him...he's just feeling barfy and is completely unable to tough it out like a good little solider because he's the wussiest dog in the history of the universe.

*cries*

Never. Having. Children. Dogs are horrible enough.

Okay, when he comes back inside (again again again) I'm crating him up and leaving him to fend for himself in the wild darkness of the living room. I just hope he doesn't decide to seize or die or howl and wake up the whole house. But if I have to try and sleep in the same room with him for another hour I may kill him myself.