toomuchplor | If Rodney was a sex advice columnist, everyone would get over hiding their weird shit.

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If Rodney was a sex advice columnist, everyone would get over hiding their weird shit.

linabean once mentioned her conviction that Ronon really deserves his own cooking show, which immediately struck me as a Great Universal Immutable Truth.

This, of course, led to me speculating with

sparktastic that few things in life could be as great as attending a dinner party thrown by Ronon:

toomuchplor: Actually, just Ronon throwing a dinner party.

toomuchplor: Is the best image ever.

toomuchplor: I can totally see him getting this worrying obsession with Martha Stewart.

toomuchplor: But his hands are SO BIG

toomuchplor : all the crafts come out all mangled.

toomuchplor: And everyone is too scared to comment

toomuchplor: And every time he leaves the room they all lean across the dining table and whisper, "Is *your* napkin ring leaking glue all over?"

toomuchplor: "No, but I think mine has a piece of deer carcass in it!"

toomuchplor: "That's nothing! My wine charm is ALIVE."

sparktastic: ahahahahaha

sparktastic: you have to stoppppppp

toomuchplor: And Ronon bustles back in with a chafing dish, wearing these big oven mitts, saying, "Okay, who wants some cherries jubilee?" and busts out a flamethrower and sets his pinecone-and-antlers centerpiece on fire.

toomuchplor: hahahahahahahahahaha

sparktastic: DUDE

sparktastic: *dies*

toomuchplor: And then he's all, "Oh no. It was so perfect up until now."

toomuchplor: "Martha would be so disappointed."

toomuchplor: And John would heave this long-suffering sigh.

toomuchplor: And get up from the table

toomuchplor: And step into the kitchen

toomuchplor: And everyone's all, "Where's he going?'

toomuchplor : And in five minutes he emerges carrying a frosted four-layer cake complete with real orchids and piped filigree

toomuchplor: And slams it down on the charred table.

toomuchplor: And they stare.

toomuchplor: And he says, "What? So I like to bake sometimes."

sparktastic: ahahahahahah

toomuchplor: And Rodney goes all glowy and sex-crazed and hauls John back into the kitchen to ravish him with the icing bowl and cake beaters.

toomuchplor: Everyone else talks loudly and eats cake and pretends not to hear the ecstatic cries of "YOU ARE THE PERFECT MAN!"

toomuchplor: "IF ONLY YOU HAD AN ASS."

toomuchplor: Followed by, "Hey! I have an ass!"

sparktastic: hahahahahahahah

toomuchplor: Followed by, "Right, so why does it feel like I've got two mandarin oranges in my hands instead of, oh, I don't know, AN ASS?"

toomuchplor: And John comes back into the dining room all smeared with icing and looking grumpy

toomuchplor: haha

sparktastic: dude

sparktastic: I have no idea what you've been smoking

sparktastic: but I want some

Of course, another Great Universal Immutable Truth, in my mind, is that Rodney has a sex advice column that he writes under a pseudonym on the unofficial Atlantis weekly newsletter. Because who wouldn't want sex advice from Rodney McKay? I mean, REALLY.

In fact, it would be great if people commented with the sort of sex advice requests the lonely and strange citizens of Atlantis would bring forward. Because then I could write Rodney's answers and it could be Way Too Much Fun. *bg*

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I smell a fic that needs to be written =D.

Dear Dr. Love,

My lover wants me to dress up as a Wraith and tie him up. I'm afraid he doesn't find me attractive as I am. Should I do as he says?

Help me, please!

I'd love it if approximately every second letter was from someone asking for advise on how to get the attention of / please / proposition the grouchy but strangely hot head of science.

My writing skills suck, but surely someone can write them? *bats eyes*

Dear Dr. Love.

Is there some secret Czech maiting ritual that just hasn't made it to the literature? I've been flirting, leaning over his shoulder as he fixes my laptop, and totally working the red shirts, all for nothing. What does a woman have to do to get a little Bohemian Rhapsody?

Dear Dr. Love,

I just found out my boyfriend is keeping statistical charts on our sex life! I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified because there are power point charts.

Is this normal?

Dear Dr. Love,

Aliens made us do it, and now he won't even look me in the eye. How do I make him understand that even with the sex pollen, it was really special? And how do I convince him that alien mating rituals can be the basis for a meaningful relationship?

Dear Dr. Love,

I think I found an Ancient sex toy in the lab, and I'm not sure what I should do about it. I mean, would it really hurt anything if I conducted some private research in my quarters? I swear I would take accurate notes.

Dear Dr. Love,

On our last mission, Aliens made us do it, and now my boyfriend's mad at me. I tried to explain it wasn't my fault (Aliens made us do it!), but he won't talk to me anymore. What should I do?

Dear Dr. Love,

I hear there are planets where aliens make you have sex with your teammates. How can I get on the list for one of those missions?

(also, collegesexcolumnist!Rodney: Not Exactly Rocket Science (http://apple-pi.livejournal.com/190633.html))

*sigh*

I had this cracktastic idea that John rents a house on the beach in California during one of his enforced leaves and invites Ronan along because he's gonna teach him how to surf, and Ronan gets a passport indicating that he's from a Polynesian island, and he asks John if Polynesian islands are anywhere near Nigeria, and that is the first indication John gets that Ronan is crushing on Teal'c because Teal'c's passport indicates that he's from Nigeria and Ronan apparently wants to be from the same place Teal'c is from. Ronan is all sad that since that NID thing, poor Teal'c isn't allowed to get an apartment topside and is stuck under the damned mountain, and he whines to John about it, so John magnanimously invites Teal'c along on their little surfing vacation. Landry thinks this is a great idea because he thinks Teal'c is a good influence and will keep an eye on John & Ronan, whom he very wisely does not trust. So here's John with these two warrior-type aliens in California, and it turns out that coyotes have been coming down out of the hills and snatching the local little old ladies' Pekineses right off their ornate, bejeweled leashes and chowing down on them right in front of said little old ladies, so Teal'c and Ronan want to go out into the hills and take care of the problem. They keep asking John if coyotes are good eating and if you can tan their hide into a passable skin to be used for boots. Now, John thinks the best episode of COPS ever would be Teal'c and Ronan in the hills of California hunting coyotes with foot-long machetes, but he suspects General Landry might disagree, so he has his hands full trying to convince them that this is A Bad Idea, even if the little old ladies are crying all over the place and Teal'c and Ronan are staring at him in manly, yet passive-aggressive, disapproval.

But I have no

sparktastic of my own to bounce this off of, so it won't get written. Probably.

To make this legal:

Dear Dr. Love:
I am a straight woman on Atlantis and for the life of me, I cannot seem to find a single straight guy in the whole damned place. Seriously, I'm thinking of using an Ancient Device to change myself into a man just to get a little action. Any suggestions on what the heck I can do?
Love,
Single Straight Chick with Blue Balls (metaphorically)

Oh my. This neeeeeds to be written.

Hey, I wrote the sex advice columnist Rodney story, lol! With bonus advice column at the end. *g*

This made me laugh out loud and is awesome, but, dude, I want to read the fic where Rodney gives sex advice. BEST IDEA EVER.

Dear Dr. Love,

How do I explain to my physician exactly how I managed to get lodged inside the #10 pipette?

Dear Dr. Love,

OK, so I didn't see it coming - ha! no pun intended - and it wasn't alien sex pollen this time. Basically, there was some glowy stuff going on with this semi-ascended chic my team and I ran into - ha! another unintended pun - anyway, met on this recent mission.

ANYWAY, technically it wasn't cheating because this guy on my team that I really like (the guy I mean) hasn't looked me in the eye since the whole incident on the planet where people look like pizzas and anyway we haven't even talked about dating or anything, but now that the glowy stuff happened, he won't even talk to me, and I think he may have turned the shower in my quarters against me.

How do I apologize/make things right/get him to freaking forget about the stupid glowy stuff so that at some point I can actually ask him out at which point he might actually have SOME BASIS for getting his knickers in a twist over the whole semi-ascended glowy chick thing? Also, I'd like to be able to get in the shower without fearing it is going to remove various body parts.

Signed,
Never Sees It Coming

Dear Dr. Love,

I've suddenly become a woman (Ancient Device #987435). What would be the best way to masturbate?

Signed,
Multiple Orgasms Here I Come!

Dear Dr. Love,
There's a certain rather talkative and distinguished Nobel-caliber astrophysicist I've seen hereabouts who I'd like to bend over a lab bench and introduce to my large silicon strap-on friend, "God" (as in "oh God... God,yes...oh my God this is the best sex I've ever had") but I don't know how receptive he'd be to the idea. Any insights on that, Dr. Mc--Love?

signed,
A. Fizzix Fan

Dear Dr. Love,

I have a date this Sunday. Well, I think it's a date. He invited me to go whale watching... Should I bring a pick-nick? What if it's not a date? Wouldn't it look weird then? How do I make sure it's a date? And if it is, should I put out on the first date? Just in case it goes horribly wrong and he never wants to see me again?

Dear Dr. Love,

Excited about ab unusual plant I discovered on planet F6E 2GB, I brought a specimen to our expedition leader, and second in command of the Atlantis military, for a private demonstration. The details are unimportant, except to say that it was swell, or rather it caused something delicate to swell, but in a way that no man's anatomy is meant to do. Combined with the terrible itching my fern inflicted, I'm afraid he will never want to touch me again.

Help!

Signed,

Forlorn.

Dear Doctor Love,

I read what you told Idiot about turning in ancient sex toys to the proper authorities, but I didn't realize I'd gotten mine mixed up with my normal vibrator until I'd found out it was too good to give up. Now I'm three weeks late and nauseous in the mornings. Can alien sex toys make you pregnant?

Dear Dr. Love:
I have a tiny frame but am cursed with rather generous mammary glands. My people's clothing comes in only one small size, so during off-hours my bosom is frequently on display and one always seems ready to pop out. I also have to work around a lot of men. What I want to know is, with this problem, why am I still single?

Signed,

Terrifically Endowed Yet Lonely Always

Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend is a night humper! Any ideas what causes this and how it can be helped? Could this also be the reason why his favourite movie is "While You Were Sleeping"?? At first I thought he had a thing for Sandra Bullock, now I'm thinking there might be more to it...

Dr. Love

I haven't asked anyone out in over seven years because I was too busy traveling around. Now I'm interested in my boss. What should I do?

----------

Dear Dr. Love,

I'm in love with someone I work with. The problem is he's from another species. Any suggestions? (I think it's a he. There's no visible genitalia.)

Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend is becoming obsessively jealous of the aliens that capture me. Apparently, he thinks I'm pursuing a better, sexier class of alien than he is getting. How can I let him know that it's not about who has me tied up during the day, it's about who I get to tie up at night?

Sincerely,

Not My Fault I'm an Alien Sex Magnet

Dear Doctor Love,

Because of certain regs I have to be a little more discreet then most. So instead of begging some lube of doctor Keller, I traded for some on PX-938. We really got a lot of play out of it, but now my crap keeps coming out blue. And yesterday I found this weird scaly rash on my ass. I don't want to go to Keller. She'll hand me my balls on a platter!

Blue warrior

Dear Dr Love:

I recently met my boyfriend's parallel-universe double, and now I can't get the idea of a threesome out of my head. Would this, technically, be cheating? Incest? Morally wrong? My boyfriend told me to 'go fuck myself', and for the record, I would be more than happy to do the nasty with my double.

Yours, Trouble Times Two

Dear Dr. Love,
I have been sleeping with a gorgeous but undervalued guy pretty seriously for a couple months now, and the sex is phenomenal! I think it's more than just physical, and I want to make a commitment to him. One problem-I don't know his first name! I don't know how to find out without letting it slip that we've never exactly had a conversation. My continued happiness depends on you!

Dear Dr. Love,

During my last off world mission, I was involved in a some kind of cultural celebration ceremony. Now, I know better than to get involved in something like that with a native woman so that I don't wind up accidentally married, but this time we were visiting an all male settlement, so I wasn't too worried at first. There was a lot of drinking involved, and I don't actually remember most of the night, but I woke up naked, with a lot of symbols painted on my skin, and with a strange soreness in my ass.

I did some research on the symbols when we got back to Atlantis and discovered that they were fertility prayers to make the wearer pregnant. Now, my question is two fold. First, how likely was it that these people just didn't realize I was male (I was completely naked in the morning and they had painted on my penis)? Second, do fertility prayers actually work on Earth-born human men?

Thank you,
Somewhat Concerned

I have been dutifully documenting the various mating rituals of Pegasus natives, and have found it most interesting how said rituals have crossed over to the Earth-born 'Lanteans. If you check the server, I've loaded a file with all the photos and video I managed to collect.

Unfortunately, my research doesn't seem to be interesting to pretty much all of the expedition members; and yet people are pairing off (and in a number of cases, multiples) like sex-starved rabbits. I am left alone with an unwarranted reputation of being some sort of creepy porn-watcher. Any advice on how I can shake the negative image so I can show potential partner(s) the benefits of all the knowledge I've gained to their advantage?

Respectfully,
The Irony, It Slays Me

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Not My Fault I'm an Alien Sex Magnet

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Dear Dr. Love,