toomuchplor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
toomuchplor) wrote2007-09-27 11:32 pm
toomuchplor) wrote2007-09-27 11:32 pm
Entry tags:
Ask Dr. Love, Vol. 1, No. 1
Thanks everyone for the requests for advice! This is fun!
Dear Dr. Love,
My lover wants me to dress up as a Wraith and tie him up. I'm afraid he doesn't find me attractive as I am. Should I do as he says?
Help me, please!
Dear Insecure One,
Face it: your lover *doesn't* find you attractive as you are. In fact, considering that your lover actually wants you to dress up as a hideous life-sucking leather-loving Marilyn Manson-esque alien bug-creature -- considering that your lover would actually view this as an *improvement* on your appearance -- I'm going to go ahead and venture a guess that you're just plain ugly.
So what should you do? Well, since you seem to be getting laid (against all statistical odds), you should do whatever the fuck you can to make sure that you continue to get laid: dress up like a Wraith, dress up like a vat of gelatin, dress up like Dr. Weir and spank him with a spatula. Chances are that your lover is eventually going to realize that you can't make a silk purse out of a butt-ugly person and you will be dumped. I advise trying to get as many assisted orgasms as possible in the short time remaining.
Dear Dr. Love.
Is there some secret Czech maiting ritual that just hasn't made it to the literature? I've been flirting, leaning over his shoulder as he fixes my laptop, and totally working the red shirts, all for nothing. What does a woman have to do to get a little Bohemian Rhapsody?
Dear Queen Lover,
In my unfortunately extensive experience of Czech mating rituals, I have found that there is one siren song that never fails to set fluffy Czech hair aflutter: it's called grain alcohol. Look into it.
Dear Dr. Love,
I just found out my boyfriend is keeping statistical charts on our sex life! I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified because there are power point charts.
Is this normal?
Dear Statistically Challenged Moron,
Yes, it's perfectly normal.
p.s. they weren't in PowerPoint, they were in Excel. Jesus.
(And though Dr. Love wouldn't ever bother with publishing the response, it's too great to withhold:
Dear Dr. Anal Retentive Obsessive Compulsive Love:
Bite me.
Also, keep this up and there won't be anything to enter in Excel. )
Dear Dr. Love,
Aliens made us do it, and now he won't even look me in the eye. How do I make him understand that even with the sex pollen, it was really special? And how do I convince him that alien mating rituals can be the basis for a meaningful relationship?
Dear Poor Deluded Fuck,
How can alien mating rituals be the basis for *anything*, let alone a purely fictional and laughably improbable concept such as 'a meaningful relationship'?
Sex pollen is a gift of the gods; never sully its pure intentions by trying to factor in this kind of ridiculous sentimentality.
Dear Dr. Love,
I think I found an Ancient sex toy in the lab, and I'm not sure what I should do about it. I mean, would it really hurt anything if I conducted some private research in my quarters? I swear I would take accurate notes.
Dear Idiot,
You will do no such thing. You will bring said sex toy to the proper authority (for example, the chief scientist) and you will NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHERE IT WENT OR WHY HE'S IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD THE NEXT DAY.
Dear Dr. Love,
On our last mission, Aliens made us do it, and now my boyfriend's mad at me. I tried to explain it wasn't my fault (Aliens made us do it!), but he won't talk to me anymore. What should I do?
P.S. It's not infidelity if aliens made us do it, right?
Dear Slutty Slutty Kirk,
I suggest you tie your boyfriend to the bed, gag him with a sex-pollen-impregnated piece of cloth, and violate him with Ancient sex toys until he realizes that your experience with Aliens-Made-Us-Do-It-Sex (AMUDIS) has only served to enrich your repertoire of lewd acts.
p.s. Yes, it was totally cheating. The trick is to stupefy your boyfriend with orgasms until he forgets what you did.
Dear Dr. Love,
I hear there are planets where aliens make you have sex with your teammates. How can I get on the list for one of those missions?
Dear Kavanagh,
No. Just...no.
Dear Dr. Love:
I am a straight woman on Atlantis and for the life of me, I cannot seem to find a single straight guy in the whole damned place. Seriously, I'm thinking of using an Ancient Device to change myself into a man just to get a little action. Any suggestions on what the heck I can do?
Love,
Single Straight Chick with Blue Balls (metaphorically)
Dear SSCBB(m),
If you check in the blue crate under Dr. Zelenka's workstation, you'll find a round brass wand thing. Get an ATA to activate it, go to sleep with it under your pillow, and when you wake up you'll find that your own personal instrumentation is more in line with male Atlantean tastes.
(But you didn't hear about it from me.)
Dear Dr. Love,
How do I explain to my physician exactly how I managed to get lodged inside the #10 pipette?
Dear Sheppard,
I swore you to secrecy about that, you rat bastard.
***
Any more questions for Dr. Love? Comment here!
Dear Dr. Love,
My lover wants me to dress up as a Wraith and tie him up. I'm afraid he doesn't find me attractive as I am. Should I do as he says?
Help me, please!
Dear Insecure One,
Face it: your lover *doesn't* find you attractive as you are. In fact, considering that your lover actually wants you to dress up as a hideous life-sucking leather-loving Marilyn Manson-esque alien bug-creature -- considering that your lover would actually view this as an *improvement* on your appearance -- I'm going to go ahead and venture a guess that you're just plain ugly.
So what should you do? Well, since you seem to be getting laid (against all statistical odds), you should do whatever the fuck you can to make sure that you continue to get laid: dress up like a Wraith, dress up like a vat of gelatin, dress up like Dr. Weir and spank him with a spatula. Chances are that your lover is eventually going to realize that you can't make a silk purse out of a butt-ugly person and you will be dumped. I advise trying to get as many assisted orgasms as possible in the short time remaining.
Dear Dr. Love.
Is there some secret Czech maiting ritual that just hasn't made it to the literature? I've been flirting, leaning over his shoulder as he fixes my laptop, and totally working the red shirts, all for nothing. What does a woman have to do to get a little Bohemian Rhapsody?
Dear Queen Lover,
In my unfortunately extensive experience of Czech mating rituals, I have found that there is one siren song that never fails to set fluffy Czech hair aflutter: it's called grain alcohol. Look into it.
Dear Dr. Love,
I just found out my boyfriend is keeping statistical charts on our sex life! I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified because there are power point charts.
Is this normal?
Dear Statistically Challenged Moron,
Yes, it's perfectly normal.
p.s. they weren't in PowerPoint, they were in Excel. Jesus.
(And though Dr. Love wouldn't ever bother with publishing the response, it's too great to withhold:
Dear Dr. Anal Retentive Obsessive Compulsive Love:
Bite me.
Also, keep this up and there won't be anything to enter in Excel. )
Dear Dr. Love,
Aliens made us do it, and now he won't even look me in the eye. How do I make him understand that even with the sex pollen, it was really special? And how do I convince him that alien mating rituals can be the basis for a meaningful relationship?
Dear Poor Deluded Fuck,
How can alien mating rituals be the basis for *anything*, let alone a purely fictional and laughably improbable concept such as 'a meaningful relationship'?
Sex pollen is a gift of the gods; never sully its pure intentions by trying to factor in this kind of ridiculous sentimentality.
Dear Dr. Love,
I think I found an Ancient sex toy in the lab, and I'm not sure what I should do about it. I mean, would it really hurt anything if I conducted some private research in my quarters? I swear I would take accurate notes.
Dear Idiot,
You will do no such thing. You will bring said sex toy to the proper authority (for example, the chief scientist) and you will NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHERE IT WENT OR WHY HE'S IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD THE NEXT DAY.
Dear Dr. Love,
On our last mission, Aliens made us do it, and now my boyfriend's mad at me. I tried to explain it wasn't my fault (Aliens made us do it!), but he won't talk to me anymore. What should I do?
P.S. It's not infidelity if aliens made us do it, right?
Dear Slutty Slutty Kirk,
I suggest you tie your boyfriend to the bed, gag him with a sex-pollen-impregnated piece of cloth, and violate him with Ancient sex toys until he realizes that your experience with Aliens-Made-Us-Do-It-Sex (AMUDIS) has only served to enrich your repertoire of lewd acts.
p.s. Yes, it was totally cheating. The trick is to stupefy your boyfriend with orgasms until he forgets what you did.
Dear Dr. Love,
I hear there are planets where aliens make you have sex with your teammates. How can I get on the list for one of those missions?
Dear Kavanagh,
No. Just...no.
Dear Dr. Love:
I am a straight woman on Atlantis and for the life of me, I cannot seem to find a single straight guy in the whole damned place. Seriously, I'm thinking of using an Ancient Device to change myself into a man just to get a little action. Any suggestions on what the heck I can do?
Love,
Single Straight Chick with Blue Balls (metaphorically)
Dear SSCBB(m),
If you check in the blue crate under Dr. Zelenka's workstation, you'll find a round brass wand thing. Get an ATA to activate it, go to sleep with it under your pillow, and when you wake up you'll find that your own personal instrumentation is more in line with male Atlantean tastes.
(But you didn't hear about it from me.)
Dear Dr. Love,
How do I explain to my physician exactly how I managed to get lodged inside the #10 pipette?
Dear Sheppard,
I swore you to secrecy about that, you rat bastard.
***
Any more questions for Dr. Love? Comment here!
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Yay for starting my day with giggling!
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No. Just...no.
Hahahaha!!!! You have absolutely KILLED ME!! I will keep remembering that all day and laughing and everyone at work is going to be like "What's so funny?" and what am I supposed to say then, huh?? HUH???
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I decided to play, but put my request in the wrong place. I've moved it now, and can't wait to hear from Dr Love!
LOL
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No. Just...no.
LOL!!!!
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AMUDIS. YES.
(LOVE)
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I just found out my boyfriend is keeping statistical charts on our sex life! I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified because there are power point charts.
Is this normal?
Dear Statistically Challenged Moron,
Yes, it's perfectly normal.
p.s. they weren't in PowerPoint, they were in Excel. Jesus."
I loved the whole fic, but this is the part where I laughed really loudly in a very quiet public place.