toomuchplor | If Rodney was a sex advice columnist, everyone would get over hiding their weird shit.

linabean once mentioned her conviction that Ronon really deserves his own cooking show, which immediately struck me as a Great Universal Immutable Truth.

This, of course, led to me speculating with

sparktastic that few things in life could be as great as attending a dinner party thrown by Ronon:

toomuchplor: Actually, just Ronon throwing a dinner party.

toomuchplor: Is the best image ever.

toomuchplor: I can totally see him getting this worrying obsession with Martha Stewart.

toomuchplor: But his hands are SO BIG

toomuchplor : all the crafts come out all mangled.

toomuchplor: And everyone is too scared to comment

toomuchplor: And every time he leaves the room they all lean across the dining table and whisper, "Is *your* napkin ring leaking glue all over?"

toomuchplor: "No, but I think mine has a piece of deer carcass in it!"

toomuchplor: "That's nothing! My wine charm is ALIVE."

sparktastic: ahahahahaha

sparktastic: you have to stoppppppp

toomuchplor: And Ronon bustles back in with a chafing dish, wearing these big oven mitts, saying, "Okay, who wants some cherries jubilee?" and busts out a flamethrower and sets his pinecone-and-antlers centerpiece on fire.

toomuchplor: hahahahahahahahahaha

sparktastic: DUDE

sparktastic: *dies*

toomuchplor: And then he's all, "Oh no. It was so perfect up until now."

toomuchplor: "Martha would be so disappointed."

toomuchplor: And John would heave this long-suffering sigh.

toomuchplor: And get up from the table

toomuchplor: And step into the kitchen

toomuchplor: And everyone's all, "Where's he going?'

toomuchplor : And in five minutes he emerges carrying a frosted four-layer cake complete with real orchids and piped filigree

toomuchplor: And slams it down on the charred table.

toomuchplor: And they stare.

toomuchplor: And he says, "What? So I like to bake sometimes."

sparktastic: ahahahahahah

toomuchplor: And Rodney goes all glowy and sex-crazed and hauls John back into the kitchen to ravish him with the icing bowl and cake beaters.

toomuchplor: Everyone else talks loudly and eats cake and pretends not to hear the ecstatic cries of "YOU ARE THE PERFECT MAN!"

toomuchplor: "IF ONLY YOU HAD AN ASS."

toomuchplor: Followed by, "Hey! I have an ass!"

sparktastic: hahahahahahahah

toomuchplor: Followed by, "Right, so why does it feel like I've got two mandarin oranges in my hands instead of, oh, I don't know, AN ASS?"

toomuchplor: And John comes back into the dining room all smeared with icing and looking grumpy

toomuchplor: haha

sparktastic: dude

sparktastic: I have no idea what you've been smoking

sparktastic: but I want some

Of course, another Great Universal Immutable Truth, in my mind, is that Rodney has a sex advice column that he writes under a pseudonym on the unofficial Atlantis weekly newsletter. Because who wouldn't want sex advice from Rodney McKay? I mean, REALLY.

In fact, it would be great if people commented with the sort of sex advice requests the lonely and strange citizens of Atlantis would bring forward. Because then I could write Rodney's answers and it could be Way Too Much Fun. *bg*

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

*sigh*

I had this cracktastic idea that John rents a house on the beach in California during one of his enforced leaves and invites Ronan along because he's gonna teach him how to surf, and Ronan gets a passport indicating that he's from a Polynesian island, and he asks John if Polynesian islands are anywhere near Nigeria, and that is the first indication John gets that Ronan is crushing on Teal'c because Teal'c's passport indicates that he's from Nigeria and Ronan apparently wants to be from the same place Teal'c is from. Ronan is all sad that since that NID thing, poor Teal'c isn't allowed to get an apartment topside and is stuck under the damned mountain, and he whines to John about it, so John magnanimously invites Teal'c along on their little surfing vacation. Landry thinks this is a great idea because he thinks Teal'c is a good influence and will keep an eye on John & Ronan, whom he very wisely does not trust. So here's John with these two warrior-type aliens in California, and it turns out that coyotes have been coming down out of the hills and snatching the local little old ladies' Pekineses right off their ornate, bejeweled leashes and chowing down on them right in front of said little old ladies, so Teal'c and Ronan want to go out into the hills and take care of the problem. They keep asking John if coyotes are good eating and if you can tan their hide into a passable skin to be used for boots. Now, John thinks the best episode of COPS ever would be Teal'c and Ronan in the hills of California hunting coyotes with foot-long machetes, but he suspects General Landry might disagree, so he has his hands full trying to convince them that this is A Bad Idea, even if the little old ladies are crying all over the place and Teal'c and Ronan are staring at him in manly, yet passive-aggressive, disapproval.

But I have no

sparktastic of my own to bounce this off of, so it won't get written. Probably.

To make this legal:

Dear Dr. Love:
I am a straight woman on Atlantis and for the life of me, I cannot seem to find a single straight guy in the whole damned place. Seriously, I'm thinking of using an Ancient Device to change myself into a man just to get a little action. Any suggestions on what the heck I can do?
Love,
Single Straight Chick with Blue Balls (metaphorically)

Dear SSCBB(m),

If you check in the blue crate under Dr. Zelenka's workstation, you'll find a round brass wand thing. Get an ATA to activate it, go to sleep with it under your pillow, and when you wake up you'll find that your own personal instrumentation is more in line with male Atlantean tastes.

(But you didn't hear about it from me.)

Oh, Dr. Love! You've made me the happiest woman... er, man... er, what*ever* on Atlantis!

If Rodney was a sex advice columnist, everyone would get over hiding their weird shit.

no subject

no subject

no subject